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Robinson’s dream TV lineup for the SEC Network

Published 10:36am Tuesday, June 11, 2013

With the new SEC Network launching next year there is a lot of talk about what the channel will feature.
I love watching classic old games as much as the next football-obsessed guy, but this channel will need some fresh programming.
Below are my contributions:
n Wheel of Misfortune: Hey, every new station needs a game show, right?
How about one that allows contestants to place wagers on when the wheels will come off of the Johnny Manziel Express?
The nation’s best player last year has spent the last six months reveling in his own greatness.
Manziel has thrown out the first pitch at MLB games and run the talk show circuit to death.
All the while, he has squeezed in a few moments with his bikini-model girlfriend.
Karma’s pendulum is due to swing in the opposite direction any day now.
SEC fans will win cash or prizes for correctly predicting when Johnny Football goes from Heisman to Hindenburg.
n Keeping Up with the Malzahns, or mAUdern Family: You know how people around these parts call Auburn “Little Los Angeles?”
Wait … they don’t? That’s just me? Regardless, new AU coach Gus Malzahn will feel the spotlight L.A. style every day now that he is the head coach of the Tigers.
And considering he has a wife who is prone to wily shenanigans or ill-timed quotes at any moment, why not give Auburn’s First Family a show worthy of the E! Network?
If things work out on the Plains for the new staff, I eventually smell a spin-off: Kristi Malzahn Takes Miami!
n Dancing with the Five Stars: Every Tuesday night Alabama coach Nick Saban will be the partner to a new blue chip recruit.
The two will waltz, tango, twerk, Harlem shake and fox trot their way up the recruiting rankings!
Wednesday will be the “cut” show, as a current member of the Tide roster is diagnosed with a dance-related injury resulting in his hanging up the ol’ tap shoes – errrrr, cleats.
Whether you are in to blue, grey or redshirts, every costume is sure to sparkle!
n Mad Man, or How I Met Your BOOM! Mother (expletive): The story of Will Muschamp, obviously.
Given that Muschamp stays madder than Sean Penn playing Angry Birds, this show is sure to be a hit!
Cameras will follow the Gators’ coach through every painstaking facial movement as he walks the sidelines on game days.
Muschamp has a Medusa-like stare that viewers are sure to fall in love with!
Tune in every Sunday at 7 p.m CST or it will make Coach very angry.
And you would not like him when he is angry.
Or maybe you would. That’s what the show is about anyway, right?
n Survivor: Lexington … and Starkville … and Columbia … and Knoxville:   Watch each week as the coaches of Kentucky, Mississippi State, Missouri  and Tennessee fight for the scraps of the SEC island.
All four coaches will attempt to find the immunity idol (A.K.A. The BBVA Compass Bowl in Birmingham) and avoid being voted out of the conference.
n The Young, Old , Middle-Aged and the Restless: The drama unfolds every Saturday at noon as Georgia fans become more and more antsy with the current Bulldog coaching regime.
Like any good soap opera, Mark Richt and company do just enough every week to keep you interested, but never enough to win a significant award.
n iLes: Saturday nights on the Bayou LSU coach Les Miles runs a successful football program which is webcast nationwide.
Hilarity ensues as Miles’ misguided antics and unintelligible quotes have you guessing  not “whodunit?” but “whatdidhemeanbyit?”
Also, Les will have to live in an apartment with two rabid raccoons just because, well, it seems like something he would do.
Robinson is a sports columnist for The Outlook.